.. for the greater good

.. life is ever so filled with cruelty and happiness. Often it would strike hard and fast without you even realizing where it came from. Happiness comes from life that you share with another, be it a friend or your partner. I have to admit, i have changed so much since i came to Vietnam. Friends who knows me well, especially those who had been with me all this whilst i undergo the transformation to who i am right not.

.. in the harsh conditions that made me leave Malaysia for good, and i do mean it, for good, there is no looking back now, i could never forget. Be it the monster that i have turned into now, covered by the fake angelic and crooked smile that i have always worn on my face, i could never bring myself to admit that i do enjoy the solitude that i have every single time i am alone.

.. maybe i am meant to live my life that way. Alone .. maybe the quote i have so fondly used everywhere, depicted right at the bottom of this page really is my motivation to move on.

" .. why are we so fond of life, which begins with a groan .. and ends with a cry."

.. often i ponder, is it what lies in between? I am born into this world from the bonds of love my parents have, but is it destined for me to go alone as well. Being the monster i am now, would i be able shed this vampiric behavior and be really able to accept someone into my life again ? Is my pursuit of happiness over, having turned myself into a vampire that lives a life of solitude ? Not being able to accept anything, or anyone, hiding away in the comforts of my own darkness, enjoying the coldness that freezes my heart from accepting the warmth offered by friends.

.. i have so many questions left unanswered, and i guess it would never be, until i really find the one person that is meant for me to spend eternity with. In the mean time, might as well i just wear a big placard around my neck ..

" .. all ye who enter, abandon hope"

.. whatever decision that i come to, or which is made for me by others, i believe it is for the greater good. There is a reason for everything, and for everything that there is, it is for something.

.. don't be afraid friends, i am still who i am. I'll still have that crooked smile when you see me. I'll still be the angel that you all know. Only a selected few would see the real me, and i do thank you all for being with me all this while. Being a monster is not easy, especially one that is good.

.. or rather one that thinks he is good, maybe sometimes his fiendish self would resurface and start terrorizing everything around him

.. for the greater good of course.

:-P


( .. i am not in any way drunk when i am writing this. Just another one of my ramblings, just feeling a bit down today, and i need to write something gloomy, good night all, don't think this would make sense since it doesn't even make sense to me )

.. medical report

.. just a short update, went for a full medical check up yesterday and the reports are out. Full means, it includes x-rays, colour blindness test, urine tests, blood tests, reflexes,immunities, hearing tests .. bla bla bla. No short cuts this time (i actually got one made by a friend of mine for free, which works as a doctor in a Goverment military hospital, but it was rejected)

.. due to really stringent Vietnamese laws it has to be done. Hopefully, if my application for the work permit is approved, i do not have to have 2 pages of my passport taken up every single time my visa is renewed. My stay in Vietnam would be extended to at least one year. The approval of the work permit would also pave way for application of permanent residency and a driving license.

.. yes you heard me right, a driving license. I would have my Malaysian driving license translated and apply for a Vietnamese one, which apparently never expires. You just do it once ! Maybe that explains why the Vietnamese don't have as much fireworks display compared to Malaysia. I don't want to elaborate on this .. i think it is understood.

.. and oh ya .. back to my first ever medical report after 29 years of living this life, i am perfectly healthy ! No HIV, no heart conditions, no illnesses, no problems with my reflexes, i am not colour blind .. and the list goes on and on. It was terrifying when i first went (for those that knows me well, you know my working conditions .., and sleepless nights of course .. ) because i am not very sure on what is going on inside me.

.. the only thing that needs to be done now, is getting my Hepatitis immunization. I am immune to everything else aside from this, and i am currently living in a country which has really high risk of contracting it. Once i get the reports, perhaps i would try to have a copy of my X-ray immortalized here in this blog. This really brings blogging into a whole new level .. hee hee .. instead of having a peek into my thoughts, readers would actually have a peek into me !

( PS : I would definitely leave the lower body scans out, so this is still not rated PG - 18, it is safe for underage readers )

.. twitter !

.. well, another small change to my blog. As you all can see above, i've got myself a twitter account, updates will be live !

.. it is fun to use, but i do wonder, how would it affect my privacy ?

.. and here is a short description from wiki

"Twitter is a social networking and micro-blogging service that allows its users to send and read other users' updates (known as tweets), which are text-based posts of up to 140 characters in length. Updates are displayed on the user's profile page and delivered to other users who have signed up to receive them. Senders can restrict delivery to those in their circle of friends (delivery to everyone being the default). Users can send and receive updates via the Twitter website, SMS, RSS (receive only), or through applications such as Tweetie, Twitterrific, and Feedalizr. The service is free to use over the web, but using SMS may incur phone services provider fees.

Four gateway numbers are currently available for SMS: short codes for the United States, Canada, and India, and a United Kingdom-based number for international use. Several third parties offer posting and receiving updates via email.

Estimates of the number of daily users vary as the company does not release the number of active accounts. In November 2008, Jeremiah Owyang of Forrester Research estimated that Twitter had 4-5 million users.[2] A February 2009 Compete.com blog entry ranks Twitter as the third largest social network (MySpace would be second and Facebook would be the largest in the world[citation needed]), and puts the number of users at roughly 6 million and the number of monthly visitors at 55 million.[3]"

.. but anyway, for friends who are interested in joining me in the twitter network, it will be fun if there is more !
visit their page at http://www.twitter.com

... wasted

waste
   /weɪst/
verb, wast⋅ed, wast⋅ing, noun, adjective
–verb (used with object)
1. to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return; use to no avail or profit; squander: to waste money; to waste words.
2. to fail or neglect to use: to waste an opportunity.
3. to destroy or consume gradually; wear away: The waves waste the rock of the shore.
4. to wear down or reduce in bodily substance, health, or strength; emaciate; enfeeble: to be wasted by disease or hunger.
5. to destroy, devastate, or ruin: a country wasted by a long and futile war.
6. Slang. to kill or murder.

... what else to describe best of what i am feeling right now. I don't think i am even in a proper state to write this blog at this moment. With bloodshot eyes, and a skin tone as red as the first bloom of hibiscus .. i don't think any of this would make sense when i read it again once i am sober. It feels weird .. to be typing away in this feeble state of mind, and do pardon me if it seems all jumbled up, but i just feel like writing at this moment.

... it has been long since i updated this blog, and probably would disappoint those that might have followed my updates earlier. I would not delve too deep into what had caused all the stupidity and silliness that i had went through for the past 3 hours, it is too personal .. something that is best left alone .. hidden away in the depths of my misery. It has been really hard for me to live a life of solitude since i last had a relationship, and it is really painful to have all the memories coming back to me within 3 hours .. it is beyond any words .. i just have no way of describing it.

... misery has its way of creeping up to you when you least expect it.

... i am no where near such devastation as all of you might have guessed upon reading the first two paragraphs. I am very much sane right now ..

... i hope

... but it is this misery that drives me on and on. I feed on this, slowly drowning myself in this feeling of disgust, renewing my hopes and dreams every single time this annoying little creature called Misery creeps up behind me. Tonight .. being "wasted" .. it is just a night where i just let loose. Misery is a friend of which i don't like having .. but still, it is an obligation .. a friend that you can't afford losing. Without this friend to give you that little nudge or shoving .. or slaps and punches ..

... it is a waste

... this post might be really awkward way to renew my interest in writing. It might even be wasted in the end. But at the very least, i gain an inner sight into my friend called Misery. I am just glad that i have other friends that had helped me for the past 48 hours, you know who you are .. and i am just glad that you have listened. I have renewed faith, and now i know, regardless where you are, who you are ... whether you are named Misery, whether you are Chinese, American .. male or female .. or i have just met you for 30 minutes,

... nothing is wasted

... at this moment, i just hope i have not written down anything silly, or corny enough. Any mistakes, or any weird statements ... blame it on my other friend named Misery that is whispering behind my ear whilst i am typing.

... all this might just be a huge misunderstanding, but regardless, i am not letting go that easily. I feel really grateful to those that have listened, i might have sounded like a teenager whining and worrying too much over a small problem, i am sorry for that, and i am sorry if i have dragged all of you into sharing a conversation with my sneaky friend .. there is no other way to repay you all, than to offer my ear and my sincere heart if you ever needed someone to talk to. I would not let any of your efforts be wasted.

... good night