.. without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend

.. how much could you be a friend to anyone? And how would you be able to call anyone your friend? How would you ever draw that line that borders the limitations ?

.. having one friend is too much, two are many, and three is hardly possible. How many of you would actually agree to this? The definition of friends is lost altogether as our commitments grew, and as our age matures. We we're so innocent once in our younger years, everyone is a good friend. We go out in packs, sharing every single thoughts and emotions. But all would be almost lost as we pursue our own interests, chasing dreams and life goals, leaving behind nothing but memories of our younger years, and not friendship that holds strong.

.. having friends is where you be what you are, but how often would you be able to do that once you step into the competitive working "adult" world, in short reality and survival. At one point of your life, the basic survival instincts would take over, causing us to be more selfish, and making friends are only for beneficial means. We wear a mask, for each and every different friend, fitting ourselves into their world, manipulating them for our own gains.

.. a lot might not agree to this, and what i said is purely my own views. I have been meeting people all over the place, and as sales, i really need to get into their heads to maneuver them into profitable gains. To do that, i would have to be someone else, a mask worn without being conscious of it, referring my self as a "friend", totally losing myself, not being able to be what i want to be, or used to be.

.. it has been such a daily routine to me, i do not get much chance to just let go and be myself. There is a few that i am able to share with and open up, but to what extent would they be able to share the same with me ? Where would be the line be drawn by them ?

.. i have been trying to follow a path which leads me to a mental attitude that makes me feel deeply and vitally alive, which i am able to say to myself everyday,

" .. this is the real me."

.. but to what extent?

.. would i be able to stay true to that path,
and still be able to survive the competition?

.. anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry to the right person, to a right degree, at a right time and right way .. it is not easy

.. this might probably be my last post for while. To my horror, i realized i do not have an internet connection where i am going, unless there is free wifi networks to hitch a ride on. I doubt there would be on the 7th floor (lol, yes, 7 again, a significant and important number in my life), too high up to find a network from a nearby cafe.

.. this post would probably cap up the earlier two post i have, the good thing is, i made a trilogy in 2 days .. rather than having to wait 3 years for star wars or lord of the rings. I have no plans of making a seven part like chronicles of narnia or harry potter. There is too much of negativity being written down, i am putting myself into misery with every word i pen down.

.. the past 3 months had been a whirlwind of a journey to me. I was bombarded with a whirlwind of emotions that had left me wounded so badly i do not think it would ever heal. As usual, as typical as human could be, one single emotion would just manifest itself and overcome the others. To be where i am right now, in Vietnam, blogging intensively for the past month, i have analyzed and thought things over so many time already. Angst, can only be channeled to my thoughts and penned down here, but not to anyone else.

.. holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harms we do, we do to ourselves.

.. how often would you find yourself cursing and swearing against actions you have done, often putting yourself in a state of misery so bad, you feel that everything around you is against you. The world would be so fucked up to you, that you feel totally useless, and distraught. It would often lead to decisions that you would never imagined yourself doing. Saying things that you would not even dream of saying .. but you still went ahead without much realizing it.

.. that is how true that statement in my title would be. Often, angst would lead to things unimaginable. Angst and hatred is not easy to control. It manifests itself in many ways, often creeping up to you in the least expected moment when you thought you have got over it. Things are not always what it seems .. 3 months, 8 months .. it always comes back to haunt you.

.. people might call it moving on, or starting a new chapter .. but in actuality, would it ever happen ?

.. forget and forgive ? Is it possible ?

.. anger is a killing thing, every time it happens, the rage that boils would take something out of you, leaving you less than what you had been before. Many had been through this before, and i have my own stories to tell, but i have caused hurt so much, and being hurt even more, i am less and less prone to letting angst take over my emotions.

.. what is done is done, leaving scars and wounds, and emotions that would never heal. Why should we let these marks take much more from us, than what we have already lost?

.. it lies within each and every of us, letting go is not easy when depression and misery leaves you lost in an oblivion, but all this are manifestations of our emotions. It happens within you, and no one would ever be able to control or manipulate them .. let reality dissolve and settle in you, carrying on is very easy to do irregardless how wounded one is. No one should ever swim in swirl of emotions hard to control, making you say or do things that is unimaginable and might cause hurt to another.

.. it is not easy to have control over what will ever happen,

.. but you have control over what had happened.

.. it is a matter of believing,

.. and let anger be something that you keep to yourself,

.. and the world would definitely be slightly nicer to live in,

.. with one less angry person.



( .. good night all, and thanks to that someone who had shared a lot with me for the past 2 nights, it was a huge relief for me to have finally completed my trilogy, and look forward to my trip to Saigon. Probably this is a result for one month of contained thoughts that i could not share with anyone since the Vietnamese could not understand me, irregardless how hard i tried .. eg, can someone tell me how to describe "gays" to a Vietnamese in sign language without being rude ?? )


~ end ~


Disclaimer : All names had been withheld from my posts to protect the identity of the person in real life, if they do exist. No portions of my posts should be duplicated anywhere, at least let me know so i would not get angry if i see it. No animals or 40 year old aunties were hurt in the process of writing this, they had been very very helpful. If my last post (the one above) happens to annoy or upset anyone, please, keep that anger to yourself. Trust me, it is nice, warm and fuzzy .. to be happy.

.. freedom is nothing else, but a chance to be better.

.. this probably would be my final post in Hanoi (maybe another later tonight if i finish packing early), before i leave to Saigon, opening new doors that leads me to a new chapter of my new life. Preparations are made, way before my move, as i am already in Vietnam for one month, and been traveling to and fro between Saigon and Hanoi to for meetings and prepare for our new office. For the past month, i had been given a crash course on the business culture and laws of Vietnam, which i deem might not be enough. I foresee more hiccups once i am unleashed in Saigon.

.. i am glad and grateful for all the new friends i had made during this short period of time. At least, i know, beyond the door that i would step through tomorrow, there would be people welcoming me. Names of course would not be mentioned here to protect their true identity, but to each and every one of you, i would like to apologize way in advance, because i know i would be pestering you a lot.

.. like i have said in my earlier post, freedom is not a word i would use that eagerly, there would never be a chance, throughout my entire walking life that i would claim myself to be free. I am only free when i dream. There is so much contradiction in my life, and i think as for anyone else as well. It really depends on our perspective on what makes everything tick. Often, this perspective has pulled me down into the unknown abyss for decisions and risks taken.

.. freedom is nothing else, but a chance to be better. I think, that is a much better way for me to define it. It might be different for you .. freedom could mean unlimited spending cash, or a vacation, or not having to work .. endless, everyone looks at it in a different way.

.. a newly made friend of mine has put it in a nice way, her definition draws near to my personal definition ( .. thanks! .. like you said, i think we're gonna be friends for a long time),

"Freedom is the ability to express in every form without barriers or borders and across distance .. "

.. in short, we would never define freedom in such way that it is agreeable to everyone. Having a definition, would usually be marred by something superficial and temporary. Freedom .. the ability to express in every form .. often in ways that pleases the mind, but why not in a way as a chance to be better. I am not expecting much reply from readers, but if you strongly believe how you want your freedom, i would want to hear it. Drop me a mail friends.

.. with me stepping through this doorway to Saigon, i am sure it would open up to many other doors, leaving surprises which would entitle me to more exploration of my thoughts and life. As you all can see, from my earlier entry and this one, i am slipping away from the mainstream blogging, to have more personalized content. Blogging has became a way of expressing my freedom, without barriers or borders.

.. chances are hard to come by, and that is harsh reality, and often it comes as a blessing. Always, we give it a miss, but what difference would a chance make to your life if there is no risks involved, even if it means starting all over again.

.. freedom is even harder to define, but if it gives you a temporary pocket of safety, why not?

.. it is never wrong to dream and be free.

.. if i fall asleep with a pen in my hand, please do not remove it, i might be writing in my dreams

.. ahh, yes, a passion of mine left unexplored for quite some time, i used to love writing a lot. Often, combining my poems with illustrations of own and printing it out on those nice glossy paper. I have left it aside for quite some time, as work and normal daily routines has taken precedence.

.. with the start of a new life in Vietnam, i guess it is due time i explore what i enjoy doing most again. I hate to be controlled by majority, when i have to be adapt myself to others. True enough, it is a give and take situation, but my main concern, how much would others adapt their likings to me ?

.. how often would you find a guy who enjoys and talk about writing, cooking, movie appreciation (a lot of my friends can't even remember Shawshank Redemption), listen to Pulp, Suede .. etc etc .. they only talk about girls, cars, gadgets .. endless list of totally unproductive and uninformative conversation pieces (i'm sorry to my close friends who reads this, but since i am in Vietnam now, unless you all come over to give me a smack on the head, i am still in, all ways a friend, and you know by any means we would always have something to talk about which interests me, what i've said are written in general.)

.. my only resort, is to have my thoughts here on my blog. Sometimes, contents i have here might look and sound like crap, but those are just my thoughts. I don't spend a lot of time planning the whole content out. I just write as i please. This piece i am writing now, only took 10 minutes up till this point.

.. i have plans to have a major re vamp on my blog, adding more personalized graphics inside, which would really reflect my mood and what i visualize in my dreams and thoughts everyday.

.. i guess, i am going to have pleasurable time for my new life in Vietnam. Friends are being made everyday and soon enough i would finally have freedom given to me thoroughly once i move to Saigon. Freedom is not a word i would eagerly use, as i have not have this feeling for a very long time already. Decisions, actions, and basically everything else that i have done so far, has external factors influencing it. For once in my life, i feel the heavy shroud blackness that had been blocking my true self clears away.

.. this would be the very first confession i have made since i come over to Vietnam. No offense to my ex, i've enjoyed every single moment i spent with you for the past five years. I was distraught when our separation happened, but for reasons only both of us know, it is for the greater good. When i said freedom is finally mine, it is not because you had withheld my dreams, you were once part of it, and i have all freedom when i was with you. My life had always been great with you, and the freedom i have now, is freedom to explore more of my personal interests and pursue of my dreams.

.. i wish all the best to your personal interests as well and i do wish we remain as close as we were earlier. I hope you understand my trip to Vietnam is solely for career advancements and the decision was made not because of our separation (well, maybe a small portion, cause i don't have commitments now except to my family), but don't take it too badly. I am sorry, if in any way, i have left you distraught, it is a mistake for me to solely bear responsibility of.

.. i guess that would be enough said before i put myself in misery again. I have finally got over my fear of facing reality with what i have said above, and i do wish the same for you too.

.. a new chapter has begun in my life

.. a new story awaits to be written down

.. one week in Hanoi

.. i had spent almost one week in Hanoi now, and yet i am learning or experiencing something new every day. Information and experiences is shoved right at my face without mercy. I would never label this as culture shock, because everything is almost similar to what we have back home. There are little things that might be different, but not so much of a shock that i would have difficulty adapting to.

.. for those who had followed my posts for the past week, you would have noticed that i highlighted a lot on their traffic antiquities. I have not even started on local food, local culture and practices, or as requested by a lot of my friends, local ladies. There is still much for me to go through, and Hanoi is only a stepping stone for me before i move to Saigon(now it is Ho Chi Minh City, locals would still fondly refer to it as Saigon).

.. Saigon would be my operation base in Vietnam. That would be my second home, and where i would start a new life. At this moment, i have no pangs of guilt for making the decision to come over. I have left a lot behind, and again, to those that i did not get the chance to meet before i leave, sorry, i would make it up to you once i am back. I am shown a pathway that i know opens up to a much better career opportunity, and deep inside, i know this is the route i must thread.

.. i am leaving for Saigon on Monday for a few business appointments and hopefully at the same time secure my apartment/office unit. Saigon is about 2 hours flight from Hanoi, and surprisingly only one hour from KL. Saigon is a much more "commercialized", much more like the hustle and bustle of KL. In fact the weather is also hot and humid like KL. If i am not wrong, currently, it is the raining season there. I am told that Saigon would not be much different from Hanoi in spite of population and size different. I would still experience the same food, the same traffic, the same culture, and .. etc ~wink wink~, please guys, stop asking me about the ladies.

.. i have a lot of respect for them, on how they were "trained" from young, to behave like what they do now. Please refer to my earlier post for a full description of this culture. They are friendly, they smile meekly at you from their very refined faces, revealing dimples that would stop me dead in my tracks every time, portraying gentleness in their every move amidst a sea of endless fair complexion. In short, simple yet refined.

.. i am not in any way condemning anyone, but my friends, those that are "easy" on you, most of the time they are out for your money. Just be cautious. As a communist country, Vietnam is well known for its prostitution, and the government is doing all they can to curb this. Not everyone behaves the same though, and in fact for this one week i am in Hanoi, i have seen drop dead gorgeous and sexy promoter girls that will warm up to you in no time, but yet drawing a thin fine yet strong line that tells you when you need to stop. Professionals at work, hats off and a bow and salutations to you all !

.. enough of that, i am sure if i go on, that would leave everyone asking for more. Seriously, if you guys want pictures, go to a porn site, that would reveal much more. I would have pictures of ladies coming up soon, but more to highlight their natural beauty, which will forever hold me in awe.

.. i might not be able to post as often when i am traveling, but i think that gives me more time to compile and organize what i want to have documented in this blog once i am back. Friends who visit me on this blog, do tell me what you want to see, or read, and i would try my best to accommodate it. The comments section is made available for all .. and please make use of it. Till then, see you all soon in my next update.

.. good morning Vietnam !

.. ahh, my very first morning in Hanoi. Rainy and very cold. I woke up to the sound of motorbikes honking as early as 5 in the morning. I have been trying to snap pictures everywhere i go, in fact been snapping away since my arrival yesterday, but had to do it in such inconspicuous way because i am with my director all the time and want to make myself look like a kampung boy.

.. arriving in Hanoi, was such a culture shock to me that i would not be able to describe and depict everything in this one single post. I don't even know where to start! Guess i'll just put it up in sequence as i experience it .. and do pardon me if the images are not clear, all taken from my trusty phone and shaky hands (also moving vehicles, thats where the most action happen !

.. my arrival in airport, while waiting patiently for my luggage, which finally arrived after 40 minutes, i spot this pack of airport officials queuing up to get out of customs, Vietnamese ladies in their traditional costume, and boy oh boy, salute to the person who had first designed it! Body hugging, and the side slits cut up so high which i think reaches their belly. More of this to come once i get pictures of vietnamese nightlife .. lets move on to my first morning which was really filled with horror during my ride to the office ..

.. as everyone would have heard now, Vietnam is well feared for its traffic. Thousands and thousands of bikes flock the streets, which was really chaotic to me. I've taken this in the morning rush hour today from the car i was in. These bikes we're everywhere, coming at you from all directions, yes even riding up head on towards you, on your lane, and avoiding you at the very last moment. They are even on the pavements !!

.. they have this holy grail of navigation system that i think i would have a lot of difficulties adapting to, even with such chaos, no accidents seemed to ever happen. With their thumbs positioned on the horn, car drivers and bikers alike, just went honkers .. peeet peet, pon ponnk, peet peeeet .. 18 hours a day. They honk you if you're blocking their way, they honk you if you're too slow, they honk you if they wanna change lanes .. they honk at everything !! It was hell trying to cross the roads, but to the locals, it was so easy. They just walked into traffic, step by step, ignoring all bikes around them, and somehow they will survive .. I've even seen one auntie walking diagonally across a very very busy cross junction while juggling a huge basket on her head while sending sms on her phone ... WTF !! I'm sure they would pawn the game Frogger.

.. and look at this, they can carry anything on their bike, everything .. and i think i am gonna start a compilation of pictures just on this alone once i capture enough. I've seen chicken, pigs, tables, air conditioner, eggs (a lot of eggs), chairs .. practically anything that the bike is able to support the weight. Skills beyond imagination, through the hectic and chaotic traffic!

.. i'll have to stop this now, given the short period of time i have in writing this. There is still so much to be shown, yet so little time to put it up. I have not even started on their food, hawker food, their peddlers, .. a lot of other stuffs which i don't think i would have enough time to put it up each day as i experience it. Do check this space again, i would indefinitely keep it updated whenever i have chance and internet connection.

.. ciao

.. guess i'll be back after all

A short and quick update, i had requested to be posted to Vietnam and it has been approved. Do expect much more interesting stuffs here once i get there .. !

.. of causes and actions

.. an update, after a few days hiatus (due to the holidays in Malaysia, i'm just lazing around doing nothing), i realised the fact that i might run out of ideas to write in this blog if nothing spectacular happens to me in the course of my daily life. I can't be telling everyone what happens from the moment i woke up and what transpires when i drive to work right ?? Having that said out, that brings me to my topic today.

.. causes and actions, it is one of the rules that i swear by in my life. Without cause, there is no action, and with action, you need to have a cause to have done that. Can't understand ? Here is a simple scenario, your mom asks you to buy salt from the shop, both mom and salt is the cause. You abide to the request, because you respect your mom, and also without salt you cant have good food. You would not be buying salt for no reason ..

.. that would be the simplest of scenarios, but the same applies if you use it in the most complex of all things in the world, friendship. Friendship is something which you build over time, and it does not happen overnight. It would take years .. years .. years .. i can't stress it enough, but it will only take one simple action to break it into pieces, and most of the time you would not know what happened.

.. the word "sorry" is abused and manipulated in so many ways as an action. If there is an misunderstanding, whether its between you and your loved ones, or between you and a close friend, or between Ah Nia, Ah Sing and you, would you be saying sorry just because you want to recover the relationship. Sorry, being the action taken, but what is the cause for you to have done it? It would be fine if its said to your mom,dad or spouses, because they share your life. But how would it apply to your friends, if you could still label them as friends because of the trust lost so easily in the misunderstanding.

.. is it worth it for you to take action ?

.. i will never do anything unless it is a friendship i cherish and value.
.. it may look like a very selfish act, but is it not what everyone is supposed to be? It is a primal instinct everyone has. Self preservation. Survival. These are the causes for me not to take action. An action taken due to cause that does not benefit me in any way, it is not worth to consider at all. A wrong action taken without a cause would trigger a lot of other actions that might cause a snowball effect that will crush you in the end.

.. confused already ?

.. my first step

.. congratulations to those who actually managed to stumble upon my blog amongst billions and billions within the world wide web. Most likely, you have managed to reach my personal refuge through messenger (and in no ways i pledge my support for this messaging software, just that all my friends use it).
.. i would not start off my first post telling everyone i am the lonely chap who seeks asylum and sanity through this small space online (and .. please i am really NOT one of them), i am having this blog so that i have a place to have my thoughts documented ( .. hmmnn, isn't that why we have blogs ?)
.. i am 28, in Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia ( .. thats it for introductions of myself )
.. as a brief introduction on what to expect from me, or rather what i plan to have documented within this blog, would be, of course my thoughts and ramblings whenever i feel a change in myself or people around me ( .. or anything at all regarding my country, my pet, ducks, pigs, my car, my friend's car ..... etc etc, you get the picture) and of course this blog would be a space for me to document all my poems.
.. yes, i write poems, freestyle ! I have even got one of my poem published, titled "Red Horizon", compilation of poems from amateurs and pros alike around the world, a hardcover edition book, "Time after Time", go find it in the literary section in your nearest bookstore. I would have it posted here soon once i get hold of my notebook which i have kept at home.
.. do check back this space regularly, would be slowly changing and updating as i get the chance to do so. I do admit, using the current template provided is a bit bland, but i will get it changed one step at time. A promise that i can make, would be interesting content on my rambling ( trying to figure out how to let visitors post replies, so this would be interactive, i'm new to blogging, have patience !!)
.. officially, this would be my first ever post in a blog, and so far i am enjoying every moment of it. Guess there is enough ramblings here to keep visitors entertained for at least 3 minutes up till this paragrapgh, and i do hope it is time well spent for you. Thank you for that 3 minutes, and do expect to have more time wasted ( .. or enjoyed, however you want to put it) on your next visit !!